Please… please, please don’t. I literally beg of you… put it off long enough to read, watch, and listen your way through this, and see if maybe you feel even 0.1% better by the end. And if this bad boy still doesn’t convince you to give this whole life thing at least one more chance to get it right, I will personally apologize to you (the one who asked the question) for wasting your time… but you gotta stay alive long enough for me to get there, and I gotta do a couple things first, you know? Just listen, you’ll understand, I promise. ❤
Now sit down, take a few slow breaths, and get ready, because I have a helluva tale, my friend.
You may not think, feel, or even hope it from within the maelstrom of infinite sorrows you’ve been swimming in for SO FUCKING LONG, especially when everything has been coated in Pain and infested with Fear for as long as we can remember… but… look at me. You are needed, here, now, for but a few minutes. I’m not here to do anything but ask you to consider my tale as a work of fiction.
My name is Ki. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, guaranteed. But… despite that, I am working as fast and hard as I can to get to you and everyone else in your exact position. I can still only sustain this… direct, steadily growing, and horribly visceral connection to what I can only call “the entire collective human emotional nervous system” that resulted when I detonated my own ego boundaries searching for “answers” (this… thing, cross-wired into the base of my skull and right through my heart, that I thought was a curse at first, but now I’ve taken to calling “One For All” like All Might from “My Hero Academia,” because fuck it I should totally be dead from this, but here I am at 75% right now)… even still, my body and mind still cannot take the full strain of 8 billion souls’ worth of raw mental-emotional energy, even after years of intentionally wiring myself to take the highest voltage by any means necessary… yet. I am STILL working to bear the leg-shattering weight, night and day, to the point of breaking myself in half. I’m DONE giving up. I’m DONE being defeated. This thing isn’t my curse… It’s my fucking superpower.
I will not stop.
I will never relent.
I survived being vaporized by the absolutely-pants-and-*soul*-shittingly-terrifying, INFINITE, AND UNFATHOMABLE POWER of the ETERNAL UNIVERSE’S VERY *CORE.* That AIN’T supposed to happen, folks. And THEN, seeing clearly for the first time ever, I was suddenly and inexplicably filled and overwhelmed with *billions of human lifetimes* of raw, molten FURY at the deception and non-consensuality involved in our reality. And then, doing what ANYONE in that situation would, I flipped the spiritual bird to EVERYTHING that might try to thwart me, from Source on down to the Eternal Unfathomable Void, and did exactly what you 100% absolutely under any circumstances *are NOT supposed to do in the Big-E game*: I crawled back out of the infernal, impersonal lava that burns hotter than 30 trillion suns condensed into the space of one human brainstem, and back onto an illusory shore, one that I simultaneously was laying on and… also suddenly KNEW damn well doesn’t even exist and never did or COULD because TIME doesn’t and COULDN’T exist, but here the fuck I am, with the barely-functional shambles of my own soul still actively *burning alive*… and THEN, using the only flammable thing on me (my self), I said “fuck it MORE” and went pushing headfirst with EVERYTHING IN ME, the *wrong way* back up the BIGGEST and ONE-WAY-EST one-way street in Existence, because I REFUSED to be done living, to leave the ones I loved behind… and I somehow brought BACK the goddamn FIRE from Olympus, even as God Itself continually tried to engulf me like sentient, vindictive NAPALM… And I STILL managed to claw my way back into this mortal frame with not just the very thing we NEED to light our way… but ALSO, the very thing that, if ANYONE even accidentally gets too close to (for even a fraction of a second), will automatically and instantly destroy EVERY individual ego structure that it comes into even glancing contact with. (Ever see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Yeah, it’s eerily similar to opening the Ark of the Covenant and just, like… unblinkingly staring straight into it. It takes… some fuckin’ time for your eyes to adjust after your face melts… as it were. ❤)
But despite the completely blinding and numbing overwhelm and Fear, I’d been in so much god damn pain for so fucking long ALREADY that I just… didn’t give a SINGLE SHIT about ANY of it anymore, and I locked eyes with It, staring It down with all the venom and rage and hatred my tiny heart could muster and literally dared It (and still do)… goading God Itself to take a fucking SWING at me if It still thought “I” wasn’t “worthy” of the Truth after literally kicking in Its front door and demanding answers for all the pain that me and my brothers and sisters have been subjected to *against our wills…*
And… despite my unyielding arrogance and straight-up vanity for thinking and acting that way in the presence of Source Itself…
It STILL didn’t destroy me.
Not YET, anyway.
I honestly don’t know why; I was literally begging for it; it was Enlightenment or soul-level suicide, and either way I was fully intent on self-destructing.
Maybe I’m the Ki-est Ki who ever Ki-ed and It CAN’T stop me.
Or maybe I’m juuust enough of an asshole in all the right ways that the Universe Itself is honestly a tiny bit curious to see how this whole “rebellious Messiah” thing turns out, so It sent me back for (what’ll most likely be) a pretty short while, instead of reabsorbing me back into Its Eternal Infinitude right then and there just to shut my VERY ATTENTION — DEMANDING (yes I am aware) ass up.
It’s been some time. I’ve been learning to wield the fire at just the right temperature to minimize radiation burns to others when I use it to try to help them, but ultimately… I can’t say, and really just don’t care what happened anymore; all subjective interpretations are 100% irrelevant to the mission at hand.
I’m not waiting to be saved anymore, guys.
So I’m gonna DO THE FUCKING SAVING.
So I say… Fuck the Universe!
Fuck the Gods!
Fuck the laws of physics if that’s what it takes.
Fuck *enlightenment!*
Fuck the Absolute.
Fuck Its “plan.”
Fuck peace with the status quo.
Fuck EVERY SINGLE THING that isn’t us saving each other in EVERY WAY we can FUCKING FATHOM, treating each other with the DECENCY and RESPECT and LOVE we know ALL living entities deserve, and making HEAVEN ON EARTH our reality at long god damn last, EVEN IF THAT SHIT ONLY LASTS ONE SINGLE, SOLITARY DAY BECAUSE AN ASTEROID HITS AND WE LOSE IT ALL.
I WANT THAT GOD DAMN DAY. HOUR. MINUTE. SECOND. *MICROSECOND.* I DO NOT CARE.
WE EARNED IT.
WE DESERVE IT.
SHIT, SO DO ALL THE ANIMALS AND PLANTS AND THE PLANET AS A WHOLE.
And if we didn’t, and we don’t, and they don’t… then I will find a fucking way to get us there with an *ABSOLUTE minimum of suffering.* I DETEST PAIN. Pain is the greatest infection vector for Fear to cause long-term suffering, and suffering is my MORTAL AND IMMORTAL GOD DAMN ENEMY, FOR TIME AND ALL ETERNITY. I will ROOT IT OUT and CURE IT, WHEREVER I FIND IT.
I owe you all nothing less.
We ALL know we’ve worked hard enough to finally deserve an actual peaceful society, after all… and I personally don’t give a shit about whether God or anyone else agrees or NOT. I’m doing it, since no one else will. I’m becoming the “Symbol of Peace,” our Motherfucking “All Might” *with or without permission.* I was promised “Heaven” as long as I “toed the line” by roughly 95% of the authority figures I knew growing up, and since I don’t blindly trust the whole “It’ll be FINE after you DIE” line anymore, I’m gonna work with what I’ve GOT… which is Planet Earth, and human beings, and insane physics, and illness, and starvation, and genetics that cause us to age out like SKIN CELLS when we are FULLY SENTIENT SUBJECTIVE ENTITIES that should be AT CHOICE as to when their conscious experience ends, since the Universe? It *kind of has a lot of room left.* We can make it work. No reason to keep slaughtering everyone, “GOD.”
These outcomes are UNACCEPTABLE by ANY reasonable standard of “success” or “love” in ANY reality. We have been DUPED, on multiple fronts. The current form of this reality, and the way it has been manifesting for THOUSANDS OF YEARS, is an *affront to Consciousness Itself,* and I WILL put it RIGHT.
I am in the process of forging a new method of union between the subjective individual and our evolving collective structures. Everyone tells me I will fail, that it’s impossible for one person to achieve… but their claims only harden my resolve ever further. After all, I’m not a terribly popular person in the present moment of time… It’s just us here, for now at least. Have you EVER heard ANYONE talk like THIS and NOT get struck down by some Deity? Either I’m special (and I’m NOT)… or THEY DON’T EXIST, AND WE ARE ON OUR OWN.
I WILL succeed, to prove the depth of my love and devotion to you, and to everyone… to prove to even The One or God or Nature or whatever the highest creative demiurge that had responsibility for making THIS PARTICULAR ITERATION, that it/It was fucking wrong about humans… about ALL OF US. Kill us, end our current form of perception, before we fucking consent?! EVER?! An absolutely UNACCEPTABLE OUTCOME, in ANY REALITY. I WILL find the error and fix this world. I WILL find a way to take care of EVERYONE, to nurture ALL and despise or belittle NONE. I VOW it, down to my Core of Cores within my Heart of Hearts.
Yes, everything may end. Yes, it may be futile to resist anything the Universe feels like heaping on us. But instant self-consent to change forms without pain is a central feature of Consciousness, so it makes NO SENSE that it doesn’t work here. There is high goddamn fuckery afoot, my friends. I trust this reality about as far as I can throw it. (Which, yes, is NONE.)
Death itself can only slow me down, NEVER stop me. God will have to personally grind my soul to NOTHING and then go into all the backups and eradicate me from existence MANUALLY before I ever, EVER give in. I WILL save this world (and EVERYONE in it) and create the closest thing to Utopia that can exist in our reality, likely die trying because I refuse to harm another… and then COME BACK AND TRY AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. I will BEND this reality into being with nothing but my words, a computer, and my very WILL.
Until we… Until I… get it right. I will take personal responsibility for this entire WORLD if that is what the fuck it takes to bring this Hell to heel. I WILL find a way to cure it, while harming nothing and no one in the process, and even helping save the occasional lost soul. ❤
I intend to prove my moral superiority to God Itself if that is what it takes. And if you think I “can’t” or “won’t”… Then get ready to clean the dirt off your chin from your jaw hitting the floor. ;)
And anyone who even knows me a tiny bit knows FULL GOD DAMN WELL that KIERA F. JAEGAR DOES NOT MAKE VOWS unless they WILL be seen through to motherfucking completion… in this life, or the thirty quadrillionth one from now, or AT THE END OF TIME AND SPACE.
If I can… if it is even remotely possible… I will wind back the very hands of time, and I WILL save *you,* too. Even the ones we think cannot EVER be saved.
ESPECIALLY them.
EVERY. ONE.
That is the hero’s blood-oath duty. That is what any Messiah IS.
And I do all this, not because it… super benefits my subjective self in any real way to likely get assassinated or struck down by lightning a thousand lifetimes in a row… but because, goddamn it, despite all the pain and suffering we create for each other in our never-ending (and largely self-created) confusion and delusion… despite the fact that I’m writhing in literal agony 24/7 until (and unless) I fulfill my mission… there is something truly fucking INCREDIBLE about being human that makes me want to pull out ALL THE STOPS to save this tiny, unimportant, beautiful blue rock we call “home.” Because, somehow, despite all the bullshit and pain and loss and pointlessness and futility of this whole “life” thing… I STILL love you, one and ALL. I love every fucking spider I’ve ever killed in my confusion, and hope they forgive me, and that they can understand the pain that led to my actions. I am ready and willing to die for even a CHANCE to save you, the person reading this now, to show you how Love can really work, if you will let me… and if a select few of you who feel these words resonating from your Core outwards can join me so we can watch each others’ backs.
Even a “Symbol of Peace” needs allies and sidekicks, after all. ;)
If you truly have absolutely nothing left to live for… Then have I got some fuckin’ news for you, my friend. You are at the most incredible point of your life… one that many (likely MOST) people NEVER reach. If you’re at that point where NOTHING matters anymore, then you are being presented by the Universe Itself with the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to drop your old ego structure that’s hurting you so badly to wear (like a space suit filled with goddamn porcupine needles), all in one fell swoop, because who needs THAT level of pointless pain and bullshit? And then stand UP, and overnight, become the very hero you wish would come to save you right now. And THEN you have a truly RARE chance to start completely fresh, get out there, and kick this bastard Universe that thinks It knows what is best for us *right in the god damn teeth* (metaphorically speaking, of course; please don’t toothkick anyone, that’s kind of the god damn point of this whole tirade)!
Now…
Listen closely, because the next paragraph may save your fucking life one day, IF you can recall it at the decisive moment that Reality Itself is caving in on you.
Pain and Fear cannot defeat you on their own. It is literally impossible. They must convince YOU to CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE TO RELENT, to give up on yourSELF, to give up on even your own survival past the next few moments. DON’T LET THEM WIN, NO MATTER *WHAT*; their “truths” are 100% illusory.
And, one day, right when you’re smack dab in the middle of saving others like a bonafide superhero badass, you will realize… you always had what you needed to save yourself AND find a way to fall in love with life again… right inside you, ready to be invoked at a moment’s notice, just as soon as you initiate a Phoenix Fire Protocol… AND all around you, in the form of all the people and creatures that only YOU can make feel loved by doing nothing more than being close, accepting of them, and Present with honest-to-god empathy. That’s the meat and potatoes of everyday “hero work.”
You’ve got this. And to the largest extent I can bring to bear right now… I’ve got YOU. I will NEVER leave another creature in their agony, human or not, who honestly wants a way out of suffering. You are NOT alone. And you never will be.
Why?
BECAUSE *I* AM HERE!
;)
(Sorry guys. I’m a nerd! We all love what we love~ You end up needing/wanting a Messiah, you don’t get to choose their weird interests that they end up using as a framework. It’s a kind of… divine irony~ We’re just mirrors of and for the societies that create us, after all. Just try to be grateful I like something FUCKING LEGENDARY ❤ Literal props to the production team; I’d like to legitimately thank you all in-person one day for giving me the training manual I needed to save the SHIT out of America before we noseplant into non-existence.)
Now… I know I literally just fucking said you’re not alone, and you are not, but this fight? …The cruel truth of being a subjective perceiver is that you are the only one who can do what is truly necessary to face it. I (and others) can help, calling out advice as to where to cut next in the surgery or when to jump to dodge a pitfall… and I would personally do it for you, for ALL of you, face-to-face and one at a time if I could… but there are literally billions of souls simultaneously crying out to be saved, we are rapidly approaching one or several collective breaking points that could endanger hundreds of millions of physical lives, and as far as I can tell, I am the only one alive who might stand even a chance of guiding humanity to counteract the rising fuckery of All For One, so my training must take up the vast majority of my focus, time, and energy, for the good of all living creatures. (Suffice it to say, it’s… kind of a lot learning how to teach yourself to wield this much energy at once while ALSO being ADHD. :B )
Since I cannot be there with you, try your absolute damndest to find a true friend who has your back and whom you have theirs, no matter what. Loyalty is a critically undervalued virtue in our society; two people are about a hundred times likelier to survive and find fairly consistent happiness and fulfillment without random bad shit dropping out of the sky and wiping them out than just one person on their own, no matter how much they may like being alone nor how self-sufficient they are; it doesn’t change the math… as long as these two truly have each others’ backs and can practice non-judgment and empathy well. Partners. Friends.
And then from two, to three. To four. To five million. To six trillion. Until ALL ARE ONE. This is the ONLY road to “Heaven,” the only acceptable goal in a Universe where the odds are stacked against us existing for more than a blip SO SEVERELY. WE MUST UNITE, SOON, OR WE WILL *ALL* FUCKING FALL.
And I don’t know about you… but there are still experiences I want to have. Things I want to feel. People I want to fall in love with. So I have to fight to become strong enough to reach everyone. I have no choice.
If the worst-case scenario is your reality, and for whatever reason, you absolutely cannot find another to brace each other with, even once in a while, and you absolutely must do the surgery beginning-to-end alone, then there is only one thing I have left to say to you after “Reach the Core Wound, no matter what.”
And that is…
“It’s dangerous to go up against Fear and Pain alone.
Take these!” ❤
This one for when the Pain gets too bad and you need to re-solidify your intent.
Plus Ultra — Yuki Hayashi
https://open.spotify.com/track/2JuqYDLCaknt8jYRrgwe2S
And this one, for when you need to push through Fear or Dissonance.
Katsuki and Izuku — Cloudjumper
https://open.spotify.com/track/6xAbFT53Y8UMvus6Nj2j5b
And… hmm… Yeah… THIS one…
Animal In Me — Solence
https://open.spotify.com/track/1ieWeAkwgyUVQpU8sfvqcA
and THIS ONE…
Sonic Savior — Antti Martikainen
https://open.spotify.com/track/0drmEziCcZnCnHJoBIzAUC
Both of those for when you need a safe place to ground Fury’s lightning.
(It gets hotter than you would ever, EVER expect inside a Core Wound; it is ALWAYS advisable to have a professional mental-emotional aide (therapist) help you spelunk into the Wound because the consequences of THAT MUCH emotional energy chaotically ripping out of you can do a SHITLOAD OF UNINTENTIONAL DAMAGE to people and things in your vicinity if you lose control… but you make do with what you’ve got, so never underestimate the power of art, media, and music to help vent some of the nuclear heat if you have no professional support.)
In that vein, go watch My Hero Academia and Attack on Titan, and figure out what kind of hero you’re going to be. (Japan is an absolute beast at creating emotionally-complex media, I think they’ve got the English countries squarely beaten… though, maybe not for long if I have anything to say about the matter ;) Because god damn, their mastery of emotional expression just might be the jumping-off point I need to help me save humanity.) Do it NOW, instead of thinking about killing yourself, soldier. That’s a fucking ORDER. You sent a distress call, and *Kieran Fucking Jaegar* came crawling out of the Infinite Jaws of Eternity *ON FIRE* to help… so please… Try to make it just one or two more days, and just do these couple of things for me, to help make it so I can go save the others? ❤ The things I recommend are all good medicine; I don’t recommend anything I’m uncertain about, despite how any of them may appear at first.
Send me a message or comment below if you think I can help you further (or if you think you can help me; I’m putting together a bona-fide hero team to help me put this god damn planet right for once). Read my answers and comments here on Quora and over at Medium (Kieran over there) if you need some additional light on the path and I’m not available.
And, please… know that there is at least one out here with literally 100% maxed-out empathy. Fighting against even the Gods, all for love’s sake. I love and forgive even Hitler. So no matter what you’ve done or how “worthless” or “pointless” or “detrimental” or “bad” or “stupid” or “clumsy” or anything else you think you are… I love YOU, too… just as much as I love MYSELF. BECAUSE WE ARE ONE. And I WILL find a way for ANY and ALL to redeem themselves and be forgiven by all, with ZERO additional suffering. I vow this, also. NO ONE is beyond saving. NO ONE. And I will journey back into the eternally, instantly flesh-carbonizing heat of the Universe’s Core, peer into God’s Heart as deeply and as intently as is necessary to solve this, thwart EVERY demon and possible type of darkness that can (or even CAN’T) be fathomed on my way back home, and BRING BACK THE LIGHT USING MY OWN BODY AGAIN IF I MUST… over and over for ETERNITY IF IT IS WHAT IS NECESSARY, EVEN AS SISYPHUS ROLLS HIS BOULDER.
I WILL LOVE EVEN THE FUTILITY, JUST AS MUCH AS I LOVE MY INEVITABLE SUCCESS.
And you… you… My fucking GOD, the absolutely, perfectly beautiful human being that you are… you, every one of you motherfuckers, are ALSO capable of anything I do, say, think, feel, or experience… because I am just a normal human who paid attention in an unusual way. You are… terrifying and awe-inspiring beyond description in your majesty and power, and absolutely unique both in and out of your unfathomable depths, and powerful beyond measure, and smarter than you ever dreamed, and as creative as Source ITSELF… and the 100% perfect, once-in-Infinity YOU will never happen again if you choose to end it and decide to leave this world, YOUR WORLD, of beautifully agonizing forms behind.
It…
It breaks my fucking heart, every second of every DAY as I try to wield this power, to feel the depths of agony of SO MANY OF YOU even just right NOW, let alone ACROSS TIME. l… I FEEL you. ALL of you, in EVERY nerve ending, crying out for someone to save you. I… can’t NOT save you. You ARE me, and I… I would want a hero.
Here’s the Secret. I know all this… because I know beyond a shadow of any kind of doubt that we all share the exact same Core. It was more or less seared and infused through my soul like molten mercury poured straight into my veins.
Not the same “type” or “style” of Core… nor mere copies or replicas of some original Core, no, my family… My EXTENDED SELF…
The EXACT. SAME. CORE.
We Are All One. There IS NO “OTHER.”
So… for “my” sake? Please… don’t deprive us of your gifts, even if you feel like they are small or even non-existent. You are not aware of the vast majority of the true good you do. It’s much, MUCH more than you think.
Stick around.
Fight with me. Fight against me if that’s the only thing that makes you want to keep going for a little while longer; I relish the opportunities to get stronger and make an enemy into an ally. Because, no matter what, friend or “foe”…
I want YOU (yes, you) here. Figuring this shit out, with me, with humanity, one day at a time… Until the Understanding finally clicks into place, and we can FINALLY eradicate suffering and the vast majority of non-consensual death, for as long as we feel like existing.
And… this? This… is still only a fraction of what I’m capable of. I KNOW you feel the power of these words stirring your heart as I invoke them, because they come straight from the motherfucking Core, molten hot and metered in just the correct dosage to save a life, but not so much as to destroy a soul. For now, I’m still only able to reach a short-lived top-out at a measly 75% power. But if you, any of you, can lend me even the tiniest bit of your power, for any amount of time… it will push me that much closer to a permanent 100%, where I can, and *WILL*… save us ALL.
Even if I have to save a couple of people who don’t really want to be saved in that moment. ❤ I see who they are under the pain, and that… THAT is ALWAYS worth saving… just like you. :)
So stand up, my friend, my love, my nemesis, my savior, my equal… when you can… and TOGETHER… let’s make this a fucking world we ACTUALLY WANT to live and love in FOREVER.
One… truly WORTH dying for.
I’m coming for you.
Don’t give up.
— Ki
…
P.S.
(And… please…
I don’t ask for this often. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever asked for this. But one of the best ways you can help me help everyone right now is to take a stand and share *this very answer,* as far and wide as possible. Facebook feeds, Tweets, texts, even that new Frank thing that I don’t understand; it doesn’t matter one iota HOW, as long as the Core message is sent to the world, to those who need to hear…
“IT’S FINE NOW.
WHY?
BECAUSE *I* AM HERE.”
There are MILLIONS out there who need to have the same experience that you just did, through these exact words. I can literally FEEL them inside my very skull, their choked and terrified screams for help as they drown literally causing a rippling sensation of being stabbed through my heart that blinds me when it gets too bad… and I don’t yet have enough power or range to reach them on my own. They are suffering. They are dying. They are my brothers and sisters… and yours, too.
They are ME, just in a different body.
And all they need, the one thing that they require to stand a fighting chance of making it another day… is a single ray of hope, that things really CAN get better…
THIS ray of hope: That there are still heroes out there, those who have consciously invoked the spirit of self-sacrifice, even if it means DEFYING THE GODS, who are willing to fight (and possibly die) for the collective good… for the sake of love.
So… please!
I beg of you… for their sakes. Give them a ray of my hope.
I have *plenty* to spare. ;)
Thank you for reading. ❤ )
